General Stuff

If I do everything I intend to, I'll die. From boredom/exhaustion. If I put everything off, I will be so mad at myself. The key is to find some balance...

So I will now write about many things I've wanted to have a record of:

Firstly, I have 1 exam left before my summer vacation. My gpa is sitting at 3.85/3.86 (unweighted); it has (hopefully, providing I didn't and won't get D's on any exams) survived another semester and I am happy.

I was reading a really depressing book, called Hacking Harvard, a fictional work about some high school students on a wager to get a completely uninterested, unmotivated, and idiotic person into harvard. It is slightly satirical as it comments on the flaws in college admissions systems. This thought makes me depressed. Also, my numerous activities don't seem so great as I read; I feel like a person who is just 'a dime a dozen'. I then began to research tips for getting into ivy league schools...etc. It made me really want to get into this "fellows'" program about social leadership where you are guided into working on a project (such as fighting poverty) that will actually impact your community.

Which brings me to my next point - I was waitlisted. And I doubt I have much chance. After reviewing (inside my head of course) the reasons, I realized that my flaw was probably that I hadn't provided specifics on how I could proceed with my idea(of helping kids in poverty). Sure I have demonstrated leadership in other things, but it wasn't enough to beat the other 7 overachieving, opportunity-grabbing, eager and enthusiastic applicants for 2 spots for RM.

Inspired by my college reading, I have decided to attempt a shot at writing a supplementary email detailing my promising-ness and how I would attempt my project. Hey it might help if it's possible to get off that waitlist.

Next point - that event has been awful timing, since it is part of a one two punch in my morale. DG, infamous to my friends(:P) to whom I've blabbered unceasingly about said person, is finally out of reach. Even though I've accepted it, I have regrets and wistful wishes that it could somehow have worked out. Three nights ago on gchat he gently but firmly suggested one last time that I move on. I accepted it. The day before yesterday, after a morning of exams, I was walking on my way to the library, after having fallen sleep on the bus, and realized that it was all over. School was nearly over. Sophmore year had come to an end. And my slot with DG was closed. For nearly 4 months I had thought unceasingly about him; now it was over. And combined with everything else, it made me really depressed. 

Another year has gone by; bad grades; emotional ups and downs; quarrels with parents; and what has come of it? Why am I doing all this? Why do I compete? Because I am competitive and egoistic. I realized that by coming to RM, I was sealing my fate to be forever lazy, prone-to-procrastination, attempting-to-be-overachieving, striving to better, unable-to-allow-myself-to-rest, wanting to be "successful and great". And my definition of such has changed. It doesn't mean getting straight A's anymore. It also doesn't mean getting into a meager ivy league college. It doesn't mean earning the money to live in a decent house. My goals have changed. How could I go to RM, slaving every day, being completely overstressed, working myself alongside every other IB magnet student, and be satisfied going to a college such as maryland? After all that work and worry, after all those real, attainable goals, sitting in class with people who could easily get into Harvard and Princeton, how could I live knowing I had a shot, but couldn't make it? Everyone thinks differently; unfortuneatly I'm one of those people who does want to get into a top college for, simply, the heck of it. I want to be the best, in the general use of the term. I'm nowhere near that in IB, but perhaps somewhere in the upper quartile if you factor in extracurriculars. Do I think I'm smart? yeah. Do I want it? yeah. Do I actually have the ablility to do it? Yes probably. But could I? Would I be lucky enough to meet the right people? To do the right things? Could I get the right grades next year? I'm not talking about going to Harvard(yes I am vainly obcessed). I'm talking about my ideals, my definition of success. Going to a college with the name and prestige that will give me the extra umph I'll need to propel into a top spot in the financial industry. In business. In somewhere competetive where I could fail and succeed. A college that could give me the backing I need to recover from possible failure.

Or maybe I'm all wrong. If you zoom out your video production camera lens, you'll see that the world is a small place. Nothing you do really matters. 50 years from now... it doesn't matter what... but the good things you do and the positive impact you have on the lives of the people around you. Yes I agree completely. But I'm just trying to find some satisfaction for myself. FOR ME. Yes, okay I will go work on that email now. And it doesn't matter if I get it; it was just another opportunity after all. 

Could I get into Harvard? It's not as unattainable as one thinks. Depending on my grades next year, my SAT and SAT subject tests scores, what opportunities I am presented with and what I seize, time will tell.

One thing that wows me/makes me proud is that nearly two years ago, I had taken my pre-first day of school steps into RM. I had gotten onto the soccer team, and that made me very proud. I was given an orientation tour by some students. I had decided that that was what I wanted to do.  Now I know that they were probably the sga exec board. I looked up at and to soem of them. Now I am a member of that board. I outcompeted many people for my slot of 16. It has been more than two years since I recieved that fat letter in the mail at our small apartment, jumping with glee that I was going to Blair or RM. More than two years since I went to the IB open house, on a guided tour by a couple of IB juniors. We went into a 9th grade classroom and I realized that was what I would be. Now it is two years later. I am on the brim, the edge? of the pool, about to dive into IB for real. I am ecstatic, and I will proudly wear my Richard Montgomery Executive Board T-shirt as I guide incoming freshman, some IB, on that orientation tour.

fine.