Oh mom...

(just a random thing because it's stuck in my head... I really don't exaggerate things at all; no need to comment; my personal blog so I needed somewhere to vent; no need to read either ; ) )

It seems like whenever I'm in Massachusetts, I am somewhat of an outsider. Dunno how much I've shared about this, but there is just this air. My little brother refers to our two residences as "your house" and "mom and my house", unintentionally. My last name is Yang, as is my brother and dad's, but my mom's is Zhang. Whenever I am here, my mom always says "you guys"(my dad and me) and "us"(her and my brother). She is a very wonderful person and definatly very affectionate towards me, but it seems like every single day, I have committed some horrendious act that requires extensive yelling and perhaps "scolding". For example, pausing (for 3 seconds because I thought of something) as I am putting away dishes, or leaving a spot of soy sauce on the counter, or leaving worn socks on my bed requires an extensive why-did-you-do-this interrogation involving yelling, pointing, and a conclusion that I am dumb and lazy. I am completely serious. Or, it would require an initial declaration that I am dumb and lazy, a I-am-disappointed-in-you-forever gesture, and a conclusion that I will never be successful at anything. At minimum, there would be a very loud/shouting summons(but not the dishes since I'm there already) "YANG J.J. COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!!", followed by something like "what is this?" "why is this here/what should have been done?" or something sarcastic like "the socks just hopped onto your bed by accident right?".

Simply absurd.

And then there's sometimes more. My mom hates her former mother in law. There's some idea that she's created that "YANG family people" are arrogant and think they are so much better than her family. And that they think they're so great and successful, while they think her family consists of uneducated people highly lacking in moral character. So often when she is angry, and ALWAYS when we argue, she will shout, just completely randomly, without fail, that -I am a yang and think I'm so great and I should go back to my dad and I am just like my dad and her former mother in law and lacking in moral character to the (utmost?) degree-. What did I do? Example: I am pigeon-toed. Especially in the kitchen when my feet are cold, I point them inwards. My mother has repeatedly told(yelled at) me, over the past many years, not to do that. So yesterday when I did, she instantly yelled that I had the memory of a bird and my 'big feet' were 'wrong' again. Seriously. It was the morning, nothing had happened, I just walked into the kitchen. I was irritated that this was happening (again!) - where's the mutual respect - and said she criticizes me too much. Cue yang family ordeal. Plus - "your dad is so stubborn too. You are just like him. Go live with him then. "We" do not need you here. Good-bye, SCRAM!. All without a single pause where I stood there. "Mom I was just standing here." Well you can go back to your dad then, all you YANG people are so great. You have NO FLAWS WHATSOEVER........ more insults.

I am just so tired...

This kind of thing, to at least this degree, every single day. And sometimes it gets seriously violent.

edit: I really love my mom and stuff.... just to make it clear ; ) - if you'd happened to read till down here that is...

edit II: I guess it's like whenever I'm with mad at my dad, I think of my mom, and whenever I'm mad at my mom, I go to my dad. When they're angry they seem to see the drawbacks of the other person in me, and feel the need to share their observations. I also don't have the greatest amount of patience, and I'm not very passive in arguements. Since my parents don't either, we argue... ; )

Rainy Days In Massachusetts

Today was the last day of school for my 3rd grader brother. It was a half day and one of his "little :P" friends came over. I am also watching over our 7 year old neighbor. She is very cute. After twister and football, they are now playing guitar hero world tour. Since we only have 3 wiimotes (maybe as an effort to sell more wiimotes because each instrument needs 1 wiimote to function) I decided to catch up on internet stuff : )

This weekend we are going to a church picnic at a park. My 16th birthday is in about 2 weeks. I have 4.5 more weeks here in massachusetts before it's time to go back. No homework; no worries; no stress... so blissful. There are several more places I'm applying to as extracurriculars, but the thought of filling out applications is nowhere near as daunting as math tests or english projects.

As for that pesky summer work, I am planning on putting it off until the last 5 weeks of school (so it'll be fresh anyway). SAT studying... siiighhhhh... I'll put that off until the last 5 weeks also ^^

So how's everyone doing?

So What Have I been Up To

Basically the last day of school was monday, and it is already Thursday! The past few days I've basically been volunteering at the library and going browsing at the mall. I bought a new pair of shoes, converses. High topped in black and white. Last night I got on my skateboard, and it was amazing. Just amazing. I can't believe I've been skateing in positively awful shoes for the past year.

This saturday I'm going to Massachusetts, for five weeks. I expect it to be fun - we are going camping and on a nature-ish retreat. This will be in addition to the usual fun places we go. Sigh, this summer is going to be awesome.

My summer goals - Well I haven't sat down and explicity pondered them yet - but I am planning to today. There are many little things like this I feel like I just HAVE to do. Once I figure out my goals and set up the fifth (annual?) summer vacation notebook where I write (OCD-edly) almost everything that I did everyday, I will post my goals.

Last Day of School

Tomorrow at 9:25 AM my school year will have ended. Sophomore year. The end. Next year, junior year. Sigh....

I think I need a new layout for my blog though. The background is too black; reading hurts my eyes : P(sorry uh readers?). Also the color scheme and setup just really doesn't want me to visit this site. So yeah.

For my birthday I greedily want many things from my father. I would like a decent skateboard, a nintendo wii game, a new pair of sneakers, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, and a shirt. But really, I do need a pair of sneakers! I only have like 1 that isn't ripped up, and it's a good pair that I can't just wear on a rainy day or to play soccer on the grass or dirt. And I only have 1 pair of jeans. And I only have 1 pair of non-synthetic material shorts. And I currently use a borrowed skateboard(whose deck I really don't want to wear down anymore). And we don't have any wii games except for wii sports.

Hmm okay this is starting to sound pathetic...

I have many many great great things!(my father just didn't pay for any of them even though he

is supposed to provide for all expenses).

"You have a great pair of sneakers" - That mom bought on whim as extra stuff!

"You have many articles of clothing" - That mom bought!

"You have plenty of spending money" - That grandma sent over!

*insert father's speech about how mom, as my mom, should be ashamed of herself and purchase more clothes for me* - WTH!

This is one factor that annoys me... how can I respect/be endeared to him when he is constantly trying to squeeze money from my mom? When he doesn't provide for me? When he always tries to push responsibility(illistrated in other unmentioned unrelated instances) onto other people?

note: when I first wrote "greedily", I had meant it. Now, I'm irritated and mad.

General Stuff

If I do everything I intend to, I'll die. From boredom/exhaustion. If I put everything off, I will be so mad at myself. The key is to find some balance...

So I will now write about many things I've wanted to have a record of:

Firstly, I have 1 exam left before my summer vacation. My gpa is sitting at 3.85/3.86 (unweighted); it has (hopefully, providing I didn't and won't get D's on any exams) survived another semester and I am happy.

I was reading a really depressing book, called Hacking Harvard, a fictional work about some high school students on a wager to get a completely uninterested, unmotivated, and idiotic person into harvard. It is slightly satirical as it comments on the flaws in college admissions systems. This thought makes me depressed. Also, my numerous activities don't seem so great as I read; I feel like a person who is just 'a dime a dozen'. I then began to research tips for getting into ivy league schools...etc. It made me really want to get into this "fellows'" program about social leadership where you are guided into working on a project (such as fighting poverty) that will actually impact your community.

Which brings me to my next point - I was waitlisted. And I doubt I have much chance. After reviewing (inside my head of course) the reasons, I realized that my flaw was probably that I hadn't provided specifics on how I could proceed with my idea(of helping kids in poverty). Sure I have demonstrated leadership in other things, but it wasn't enough to beat the other 7 overachieving, opportunity-grabbing, eager and enthusiastic applicants for 2 spots for RM.

Inspired by my college reading, I have decided to attempt a shot at writing a supplementary email detailing my promising-ness and how I would attempt my project. Hey it might help if it's possible to get off that waitlist.

Next point - that event has been awful timing, since it is part of a one two punch in my morale. DG, infamous to my friends(:P) to whom I've blabbered unceasingly about said person, is finally out of reach. Even though I've accepted it, I have regrets and wistful wishes that it could somehow have worked out. Three nights ago on gchat he gently but firmly suggested one last time that I move on. I accepted it. The day before yesterday, after a morning of exams, I was walking on my way to the library, after having fallen sleep on the bus, and realized that it was all over. School was nearly over. Sophmore year had come to an end. And my slot with DG was closed. For nearly 4 months I had thought unceasingly about him; now it was over. And combined with everything else, it made me really depressed. 

Another year has gone by; bad grades; emotional ups and downs; quarrels with parents; and what has come of it? Why am I doing all this? Why do I compete? Because I am competitive and egoistic. I realized that by coming to RM, I was sealing my fate to be forever lazy, prone-to-procrastination, attempting-to-be-overachieving, striving to better, unable-to-allow-myself-to-rest, wanting to be "successful and great". And my definition of such has changed. It doesn't mean getting straight A's anymore. It also doesn't mean getting into a meager ivy league college. It doesn't mean earning the money to live in a decent house. My goals have changed. How could I go to RM, slaving every day, being completely overstressed, working myself alongside every other IB magnet student, and be satisfied going to a college such as maryland? After all that work and worry, after all those real, attainable goals, sitting in class with people who could easily get into Harvard and Princeton, how could I live knowing I had a shot, but couldn't make it? Everyone thinks differently; unfortuneatly I'm one of those people who does want to get into a top college for, simply, the heck of it. I want to be the best, in the general use of the term. I'm nowhere near that in IB, but perhaps somewhere in the upper quartile if you factor in extracurriculars. Do I think I'm smart? yeah. Do I want it? yeah. Do I actually have the ablility to do it? Yes probably. But could I? Would I be lucky enough to meet the right people? To do the right things? Could I get the right grades next year? I'm not talking about going to Harvard(yes I am vainly obcessed). I'm talking about my ideals, my definition of success. Going to a college with the name and prestige that will give me the extra umph I'll need to propel into a top spot in the financial industry. In business. In somewhere competetive where I could fail and succeed. A college that could give me the backing I need to recover from possible failure.

Or maybe I'm all wrong. If you zoom out your video production camera lens, you'll see that the world is a small place. Nothing you do really matters. 50 years from now... it doesn't matter what... but the good things you do and the positive impact you have on the lives of the people around you. Yes I agree completely. But I'm just trying to find some satisfaction for myself. FOR ME. Yes, okay I will go work on that email now. And it doesn't matter if I get it; it was just another opportunity after all. 

Could I get into Harvard? It's not as unattainable as one thinks. Depending on my grades next year, my SAT and SAT subject tests scores, what opportunities I am presented with and what I seize, time will tell.

One thing that wows me/makes me proud is that nearly two years ago, I had taken my pre-first day of school steps into RM. I had gotten onto the soccer team, and that made me very proud. I was given an orientation tour by some students. I had decided that that was what I wanted to do.  Now I know that they were probably the sga exec board. I looked up at and to soem of them. Now I am a member of that board. I outcompeted many people for my slot of 16. It has been more than two years since I recieved that fat letter in the mail at our small apartment, jumping with glee that I was going to Blair or RM. More than two years since I went to the IB open house, on a guided tour by a couple of IB juniors. We went into a 9th grade classroom and I realized that was what I would be. Now it is two years later. I am on the brim, the edge? of the pool, about to dive into IB for real. I am ecstatic, and I will proudly wear my Richard Montgomery Executive Board T-shirt as I guide incoming freshman, some IB, on that orientation tour.

fine.

Final Exams

Remember this time last year? Oh it was so hectic and I was so nervious and so excited about summer! Now I'm just like bleh. Hehe next year there will be almost no exams!!! Sigh another year of my life has past; another year of the lives of the dear readers : )

Only two years to go... oh what will I do? Where will I go? When will I finally reach emotional maturity : P ?

Welcome New People

Recently an especially chivorous friend has given me some free publicity in their immensely popular series regarding Arrem(sp). So uh in case anyone has decided to visit... hello. This is my blog. It is very personal; now you know more about me : )